This is what you see when you’re in line for the “Break Dance” ride at Coney Island. Y’know, people joke about Coney Island’s amusement park being full of rickety death traps. But is it just me or does the poster below not make it seem like this guy actually died ON THE RIDE? Not the best place for a tribute!
Eek. At least the few who hated him still respected him. That’s important.
I’m going to start posting up some more of my sketches, or as goofy types call them, “doodles.” I tend to draw these whenever I’m bored, so maybe they’ll amuse you when you’re bored too. Here’s one to start.
Hey, our show tonight just got blurbed over at Brooklyn Vegan:
July 15 : Here’s The Thing Presents EXTRAVAGONZO : SoundFix : 8:00pm : Fresh off a one-show winning streak, the men of Here’s The Thing (Sean O’Connor, Nick Maritato & Andrew Wright) look to throw up another W tonight. This is what it’s all about, sports analogy fans! Also on the bill are Roger Hailes and Pete Holmes.
Quick correction: Unfortunately Pete Holmes can’t make it. But in addition to Roger, we have the very funny gentlemen Kumail Ali, Hannibal Burress, and Mark Normand. And it’s still free.
Recently some friends and I rented this crazy ’70s Italian exploitation flick The House on the Edge of the Park . After viewing, I can safely say it may be the most rapey movie of all time. Hoo boy, lotta rapes in this one.
And maybe it’s a cultural thing, but the weird part is all of the victims seem to really, really enjoy the experience. It’s to the point where we thought we were just watching regular sex scenes for the first half of the movie, not horrible crimes. Guess those sadistic, amoral rapists knew how to take their time and do things right. Italy: Just lay back and enjoy the ride.
But hey, enough about rape. How about death? The end of this movie features what may be, and I’m not exaggerating, the funniest death scene of all time. Sure, we’ll always have Samuel L. Jackson in Deep Blue Sea. But watch David Hess’ reaction to getting shot in the balls:
That, my friends, is commitment. And I also love the description of the clip on YouTube:
The part where dude is shot in the balls.
Category: Comedy
Here’s The Thing, my comedy power trio with Sean O’Connor and Nick Maritato, is putting up a new show EXTRAVAGONZO at Sound Fix in July, starting this Tuesday. It’s free, there will be stand-up and videos, and you can finally track down that rare Soulja Boy/Cat Power split 7″ you’ve been searching for.
We’ll be welcoming AT LEAST the following awesome guests:
Tom McCaffrey (Comedy Central)
Mike Dobbins (Andy Kaufman Award Semi-Finalist)
Megan Ganz (The Onion)
And just added: Jacqueline Novak!
WHERE: Sound Fix, 110 Bedford Avenue at N. 11th, Williamsburg, Brooklyn
WHEN: Every Tuesday at 8pm starting July 8th
HOW MUCH: FREE
Will the ’80s Joke Wheel make another appearance? Probably not.
See, this is why I have a mandatory two-to-three week cooling-off period between making posts on this blog. Instead of blowing another bloggity gasket, I’ve thought better of things and I’m now prepared to extend my hand in a gesture of diplomacy.
If Andrew Wright, contemporary artist from Canada, will not honor his promise to donate to this poor charity, then I will do it for him. Oh, I could take the credit, but I’ve decided instead to send my donation from “Andrew Wright, Canada”. Hopefully the wonderful people at Ed Video will be receiving the following check in the mail soon:
(Financial information not relevant to the blog at hand has been redacted.)
Unfortunately, when it came time to write the check, my charity budget for the month was almost all spent! I was afraid they wouldn’t think Canadian Andrew Wright was being generous enough. Well, you can imagine my relief when I came across the following on the Ed Video website:
No contribution is too small. We welcome all ideas and offers of help.
So no worries. Ed Video will soon be receiving a check from Andrew Wright, contemporary artist from Canada, for the sum of $2.13. Just hope this puppy doesn’t bounce!
Alec Ballswin —^
For some time now, it’s been all quiet on the northern front. We haven’t heard so much as an “Eh?” from Andrew Wright, contemporary artist/poopyhead from Canada. For a fleeting moment there, I thought our long national nightmare might even be over. Until now. I was just checking my email to see if all that spam I signed up for had come in yet, when I saw the following:
Hi Andrew,
I met you in November at the Film Culture Forum in
Kitchener. You had mentioned that you’d be willing to
donate some money to Ed Video to help us with our
move. We’re moving to 40 Baker street in June and I
was wondering if you’re still able to donate
something?You can donate directly on our website, if you’d like
(www.edvideo.org)Thank you very much,
Eliza Crosland, president, Ed Video Inc.
Well, that just tears it. Seems this lady has confused me with my archnemesis. But why? And how?
Yes, it’s true that I am currently blowing Canada Boy off the Google map. So maybe she found my site and assumed I was him. Granted, I am attempting to steal all of his traffic, destroy his identity, and drive him from the Internet forevermore, so it would seem everything’s going according to plan, right? WRONG. I suspect something far, far more nefarious is afoot here.
CLEARLY what happened is this. Andrew Wright, contemporary artist from Canada, was approached at a party and asked by this kind woman to donate to her charity. Ordinarily his response would be to say, “Fuck your cause!” then slap her with a paintbrush. But then a rare thing happened: A thought burbled its way through his maple syrup-clogged synapses. He could give them MY email address and CLAIM that “Andrew Wright” was going to make them a generous donation. Everyone at the party thinks he’s some kind of a hero, then I get stuck with the bill! Meanwhile, this guy’s getting tax-deductible blowjobs all over the place. (I’ve heard about these nonprofit parties.)
I mean, the gall! The balls! The gallballs! The great, big, greasy, ballsy gallballs on this guy. Where the hell did he grow up—on a ball farm? Is that where he got the balls?
Urgh. I can just see it. Every morning little Canadian Andrew Wright would rise with the sun to go plough the fields of balls on his ball farm:
ANDREW: “It’s gonna be a great ball-harvest this year, pa! Balls, balls, balls, as far as the eyes can see. Yup, this is the year. I can just feel it in my balls!”
DAD: “Fuck you, son! I never loved you!”
And thus a shitty artist was born. A shitty artist with an endless supply of balls.
I knew you could never defeat me in direct combat, Andrew Wright, contemporary artist from Canada. I would never let my Founding Fathers down like that. So you had to resort to the lowest forms of chicanery and subterfuge to try to take me down. Well, I’m wide awake to your scheme. And as soon as I figure out my next move, you’ll know, you Canadian ball-farming weirdo freak. YOU’LL KNOW.
I can’t believe this jerk stole my spot.
This reminds me of those happily incongruous stories about Morrissey’s Latino fanbase. Some Hispanic teens have filmed a highly dramatic, highly hilarious movie trailer for Welcome to the Monkey House (or “WeLcOmE tO tHe MoNkEy HoUsE” as they call it). Still haven’t read the book, but I’m pretty sure the phrase “Ay, dios mio!” isn’t in it. You have my permission to skip the bonus trailer and blooper reel(?!), but the main one is a master class in editing, acting, and just basically using shitloads of slo-mo:
“Nooooo, daddy, noooooooo!!!”
- Smiley kid at the end doing the jazz fingers
While browsing Amazon for some new books (not to brag, but I’m a reader), I happened to stumble across the following DVD instead:
Wha?? Who would watch this movie? It’s JUST a crappy file photo of Kurt Vonnegut. Nothing else. That’s the entire design concept.
So basically here’s what you can tell about this product from the cover:
If only! Apparently this was actually a short-lived TV series in the early 90s featuring such luminaries as Jon Cryer and Ally Sheedy. Ducky and Allison from The Breakfast Club? Can you say “casting coup”? Apparently not, because neither of them even rate a mention. Maybe that’s why old Kurt looks so wry and bemused. Or maybe he just secretly farted. Sadly, we’ll never know.
This DVD repreents the polar opposite of what I like to call the “Bongwater Effect.” That’s when a bunch of then-unknowns star in an obscure dud but then go on to be famous, so the studio re-releases the DVD as a blatant cash grab:
Starring Luke Wilson, Brittany Murphy, Jack Black, Andy Dick, and a Hot Ass in Daisy Dukes
I don’t know if you can make it out, but the blurb says, “HILARIOUS! THIS MOVIE GAVE ME THE MUNCHIES!” Who’s the quote credited to? No one.
It’s like the Review of the Unknown Stoner. They can’t even be bothered to make up a film critic. Though given the placement of the quote, maybe the girl’s ass is supposed to be saying it. The munchies? More like the butt-munchies. Puff puff ass, dude!